4 Months

Dear Hawksley,

Dear Hawksley,
I have a terrible confession to make. Tomorrow you are turning EIGHT MONTHS OLD! Lucky for you, I take a lot of photos and I have an excellent memory. I apologize to you for letting these important letters slip, but I'm so busy enjoying your little personality that I generally don't want to stop and write about it. Poor excuse, I know.


So. Four months. What happened? Well, not pooping, that's for sure. You went on strike. You, my dear, became an absolutely fabulous non-pooping baby. If I can special-order all of my future children to have your digestive tract, I may just do that! You would often go 2-3 weeks between (so in the span of this monthly letter, it's possible that you only went once or twice!). Now, granted, when you DID go it was quite the event... but I still love it. The doctor said you were fine, and you're as content as always, so I don't worry about you.




You have a new love... your jolly jumper! I'm so happy that you enjoy it. It only took a couple of days for you to go from uncertainty to all-out bouncing. You also got to enjoy Mommy's extravagant purchase this month... our new double stroller! You didn't want to fall asleep in it at first, because you're so used to sleeping on your tummy, but you got used to it quickly. When you're awake during walks, you're quiet as a mouse and you just happily take in your surroundings (and abuse from your stroller-mate).



This month you also attended your very first wedding. Hawksley, you are a saint. I can't even tell you how amazing you are and how easy you make my life. First of all, you looked like a total rockstar in your vest, tie, jeans and beanie. Second of all, I sent Aven home after dinner but you stayed with me and even slept soundly on me during the loud music and dancing. You are the definition of portable.



Your new favourite toy is a soft black bunny given to us by our close friends. You love to hold and stroke the ears, especially when falling asleep in your carseat. Everything about you is so gentle and sweet, and my love for you just keeps growing as the days pass by.



Love,
Mommy

3 months

Dear Hawksley,
What a naughty mommy you have... two late letters in a row! I will do my best to remember what happened and things you did in this time.

You continue to be an amazing traveller and companion to me. Whenever we have time alone, I never have to worry that you will be fussy, difficult, or an inconvenience to me! This month I took you to 3 baby/wedding showers and you were an absolute angel at all of them. We also took many shopping trips and you were happy or sleeping almost all of the time. I'm so grateful for your good nature!



Your sister has become more accustomed to your presence and now I even trust her to hold you (for short periods of time... with me VERY close by!). You look at her with awe and wonder, and I can't wait to see how much you admire and look up to her as you both grow older.



Whenever we go out and new people meet you, the things they always comment on are your bright, blue eyes, and your gorgeous lips. Sometimes they will note your dark hair, or your fabulous mullet...





You are starting to grab things and put toys to your mouth. You also continue to love your soother or fingers/thumb to suck on. You're still having a lot of issues with spitting up after every feeding, and our trips to the chiropracter don't seem to be helping. I'm really hoping you will just grow out of it!



You are a beautiful baby boy, inside and out. You amaze me with your patience and contentedness, and I hope I can learn these skills better from you!

Love,
Mommy

2 Months

Dear Hawksley,
I'm finding it hard to put into words just what a completely sweet and lovely baby you are. You only cry when you need to spit up, when you're tired and want to be put to bed, or when you're a bit lonely for me or daddy. and once we've met these needs for you, you immediately calm down and give us happy smiles. you are totally content to spend your waking time sitting quietly in our arms or in your swing looking at your mobile. usually after about an hour of being awake, you're more than happy to return to dreamland!



You're still sleeping in bed with me, and I love every minute of it. When we're going to go to bed, I feed you and you're still awake after, then i lay you down beside me and turn out the lamp. you snuggle close to me and i put my arm in front of you to help hold your soother in... you take your tiny little arms and wrap them around my wrist and make little happy noises as you drift off to sleep. it melts my heart.



you started smiling at around 5-6 weeks and we just adore your smiles. you smile with your whole face.. your eyes light up and twinkle, and you open your mouth into a big happy O. it's one of the first things you do every time you wake up and see us.



I've realized why having two children makes me feel more relaxed and capable. With one baby, it's like putting all your treasure in one hiding spot... that's a stressful arrangement. You're not supposed to put all your eggs into one basket. When you came along I could breathe a sigh of relief because now my love is spread out to more than one place. It's like there's less chance of something being taken from my heart.



This month has been so quick again, and I know it's just going to keep happening. But i want you to know that i'm savouring every moment with you, when i can, and that you are ubelievably special to me.


Love,
Mommy

1 Month

I know.. it's been quite awhie since I put anything here on this blog. Facebook makes it much easier to give updates and share photos! But I want to give our new addition, Hawksley James Morgan, the same monthly letters that I wrote for Aven.

Dear Hawksley,

Today you shocked me by turning one month old. I was waiting so long and so anxiously for you to arrive that once you were here I kind of stopped realizing the passing of days. Your sister does keep me very busy, and you are so mellow that sometimes I forget you're there! Okay, not really, but you are very sweet and easy to please most of the time. And, you sleep a LOT.



I know there is still so much of your personality to come, and I can't wait to meet the real you. For now, the most notable thing about you is that you are grunty. GRUNTY GRUNTY GRUNTY! I came thisclose to moving you out of my bed to your own bed/room because, child, you just won't let me sleep sometimes. It's getting a little better, but you are stil one heck of a noisy little baby. You're not hungry... you're tired and want to (should) sleep... but you just lay there and grunt. ENOUGH!



I want to make sure that I don't always compare you to Aven, and to note your ways only in relation to hers. However, I will say this one thing: THANK YOU for being more relaxed, easygoing, and calm compared to her. From day one she was constantly weaving her hands around like a stress case, and unable to sleep for long periods of time. You already show me that you're not in a hurry to get places and see people and stay awake all the time. I love this about you. I needed you to be this.



From the moment you were born, there was familiarity about you. I can't pinpoint why I feel it, but it seems like I've always known you. I love that sometimes all you need is for me to hold your hand and it calms you down. I have a strong inclination that you are going to be my boy... that our personalities will somehow be alike, or similar. I surprise myself by thinking that, instead of assuming that my girl will be more like me. But she has already proven in many ways to be her dad's girl. Time will tell, for both of you, but you'll grow up to learn that I'm always right :)

I was worried that having two kids was going to make me more stressed, more worried, more afraid to get out of the house and do things. Strangely, you have brought me peace. I feel more relaxed with you, and it even carries over to how I feel about your sister. Maybe it's that I'm outnumbered now and I have to admit I can only do so much. But all the things that used to seem impossible or difficult with one child now seem possible with two. How does that make ANY sense?



Welcome to our family, little one. I love what you have added to who we are.
Love,
Mommy

Though I never got to see your face, know that I think of you and wish we could have met today....

I didn't see you planting your roots so deep
until today
I didn't hear your footsteps walking away
until today
in the dark corners where no one goes, you are
exposed; revealed; renewed in time.

I mourn the canvas where your face should be
But your hello and goodbye dyed my life a deeper shade of grateful
for the things we say farewell to
for sisterhood's droplets of strength
and for fresh buds that will blossom in the spring.

"Mother's Day"

My first two official Mother's Days weren't great, I'll be honest. Although there was a certain special novelty to finally being able to celebrate this milestone in my life, my first was spent shut in a spare room with a screaming 1-month-old who woke up and demanded to be fed at the exact moment dinner was being served. She proceeded to take 40 minutes to nurse, then had a massive, change-all-clothing poop incident. By the time I got out of there, dessert was almost over. My second Mother's Day was literally spent enduring a painful reminder that there are no guarantees in motherhood; our bodies and emotions are always fully exposed, vulnerable to what life will bring and take away. Sometimes irony irks me.

So I've decided that MY true Mother's Day is the day when, several months ago, my firstborn decided to make the word "Mommy" part of her vocabulary. She started saying "Dada" and then "Daddy" quite early in her life, probably before she even hit 6 months of age. She began to use the M sound once in awhile, but not very directly to me. Sometimes she would babble "mamamamamama" when she was crying. Hmph.

Then, on a date I can't remember and couldn't care less about, she finally took this step as a toddler and announced to me my role in her life. "Mommy," she said (though it sounded like Mammy, which is even cuter). "Mommymommymommymommy". MOMMY. Knowing my child as I do, I suspect that she chose to wait even though she'd long had the ability to speak this word. She didn't want to go through phases of awkwardly or incorrectly saying Mama before adapting it and perfecting it to Mommy; she didn't want to say it until she grasped its full meaning and gave it to me as a precious gift. It blew me away.

Every night when I put her to bed, I sit with her in the near-dark while she drinks her bottle. She finishes and hands the bottle off, and snuggles in close to me in a prolonged stillness that is rare throughout the rest of her day. "Say mommy," I always whisper. She pauses. "Mmmmmmammy," she'll whisper back with a little smile.

I know a time will come when hearing "Mommy" shouted/whined/cried repeatedly at me is going to get old and irritating. For now, hearing that searching voice calling for me when I'm upstairs, or asking me for more snack, or recognizing me across the room after an absence.... it's the best gift she could ever give me and I still cherish it every single time.

Thank you, Aven, for giving me my REAL Mother's Day.

The Vocabulary Update

Aven's Current Words (and how she pronounces them).

baby (bee bee!)
daddy
doggy
kitty (giddy or key-ee)
ducky
bottle (baw-uhl)
book (buk)
ball
bunny (buddy or bubby)
papa
this (iss or dis)
hi
bye bye
hello (hi-oh)
uh-oh
belly (beh-hee or beddy)
crocs (gocs)
all gone/all done (all-doh/all-goh), usually accompanied by a shrug with palms turned up... justin taught her this one and it's adorable!

she does say other words and sounds but these are the ones she always uses in context and will respond to (like if i ask her where her ducky or ball is, she'll look for it and go get it)

One Year

Dear Aven,
You are 14 months old. I've been putting off writing your 12-month letter because I'm very busy with work and our new house, but also because it nearly hurts my heart to have to stop and think about you being a year older than that tiny bundle that arrived in my arms yesterday. Only it wasn't yesterday anymore.


The day you were born, my world stopped moving. And I couldn't grasp onto the world around me that kept on going. When that first April turned into May, I wanted to question my sanity.... how did three weeks go by without me knowing? I was so wrapped up in you that I lost a sense of time. And as every month passed, the feeling of a loss of something grew deeper and heavier. It's not a bad thing; it's just unexplainable and surreal. To see something be born into existence burns an eternal marker onto us; anything before that date is "normal", and everything after it is spent in awe of that first day, because one day you weren't there and then suddenly you were. Birth is something that I don't know if the human mind is capable of fully accepting.


Now, as I go back to work two days a week and enter 2007 billing dates into a computer, my mind constantly jumps back to those hours, days, and months of our first year and what we might have been doing together. July? Probably out for a walk with the stroller, to get the mail and hope you fell asleep. December? Bundling you up in your snowsuit and making mad dashes to shovel the path while you napped (for half an hour, of course). So many memories, my little love. My heart can't contain them. How will I keep hold of them AND add on all the new ones as time keeps racing past?




For your birthday we "gave" you a very special gift that i'm so sorry isn't coming anymore. We don't know why some things happen, but we want you to know and understand that God always takes care of us, and plans for us, and loves us no matter what. We also have a new sense of how unbelievably blessed we are to have you in our lives. You were so wanted, and you bring us ridiculous amounts of joy every single day. The light you bring into our home makes us want 25 of you (maybe... if you napped better). You are strong-willed and clever, so we know we have to be ten steps ahead of you at all times, but the depth and intensity of your personality makes you an undeniable presence that we cannot imagine living without. We are blatantly addicted to you. We feed off of your accomplishments and idiosyncrasies, trying to log each and every one of them into our emotional ledger, so that we can store them up and refer back to them later when we need to feel that precious heart-squeeze that only comes from seeing your firstborn grow up.




Love you forever,
Mommy