Wednesday, June 04, 2008

One Year

Dear Aven,
You are 14 months old. I've been putting off writing your 12-month letter because I'm very busy with work and our new house, but also because it nearly hurts my heart to have to stop and think about you being a year older than that tiny bundle that arrived in my arms yesterday. Only it wasn't yesterday anymore.


The day you were born, my world stopped moving. And I couldn't grasp onto the world around me that kept on going. When that first April turned into May, I wanted to question my sanity.... how did three weeks go by without me knowing? I was so wrapped up in you that I lost a sense of time. And as every month passed, the feeling of a loss of something grew deeper and heavier. It's not a bad thing; it's just unexplainable and surreal. To see something be born into existence burns an eternal marker onto us; anything before that date is "normal", and everything after it is spent in awe of that first day, because one day you weren't there and then suddenly you were. Birth is something that I don't know if the human mind is capable of fully accepting.


Now, as I go back to work two days a week and enter 2007 billing dates into a computer, my mind constantly jumps back to those hours, days, and months of our first year and what we might have been doing together. July? Probably out for a walk with the stroller, to get the mail and hope you fell asleep. December? Bundling you up in your snowsuit and making mad dashes to shovel the path while you napped (for half an hour, of course). So many memories, my little love. My heart can't contain them. How will I keep hold of them AND add on all the new ones as time keeps racing past?




For your birthday we "gave" you a very special gift that i'm so sorry isn't coming anymore. We don't know why some things happen, but we want you to know and understand that God always takes care of us, and plans for us, and loves us no matter what. We also have a new sense of how unbelievably blessed we are to have you in our lives. You were so wanted, and you bring us ridiculous amounts of joy every single day. The light you bring into our home makes us want 25 of you (maybe... if you napped better). You are strong-willed and clever, so we know we have to be ten steps ahead of you at all times, but the depth and intensity of your personality makes you an undeniable presence that we cannot imagine living without. We are blatantly addicted to you. We feed off of your accomplishments and idiosyncrasies, trying to log each and every one of them into our emotional ledger, so that we can store them up and refer back to them later when we need to feel that precious heart-squeeze that only comes from seeing your firstborn grow up.




Love you forever,
Mommy

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

beautiful letter, Hayley.
I experienced the same thing at the birth of Judah. I think it was May or June of that year before I stopped thinking it was February!

amymom24 said...

Hayley, I love the letters you write. You are very gifted with documenting your baby's life, both in word and photography! I'm sure Aven will treasure them:)

Sorry to hear about the loss of your second child. Your faith and trust in this hardship is an inspiration:)

hayley said...

Thank you, amy (and karen!). i'm grateful that it happened relatively early on. it's disappointing, but we accept and believe it's in God's hands. and i KNOW you understand!

Anonymous said...

Hayley, your letters to your darling baby girl always move me--you are incredibly gifted in the way that you capture moments in time through your words. So much of what you express through your writing resonates with me and my own experiences as a mother this year. You have been on my heart lately, and again I am so sorry for the loss of your second baby. I pray that you will be blessed with many more beautiful children soon. Your strength is admirable.

Thank you for sharing pieces of your heart with us.

Lots of love, Amyxo

Jennifer said...

Aven is growing up so beautifully! Thank you for continuing to update your blog. I remember visiting your blog last year in April as I was also expecting and you gave birth to Aven 1 day before I went into labour!:)
Sorry to hear about your loss, as you stated God knows why this happened and I really hope and pray that you will be able to add another addition to your family.

heidi said...

Dear Hayley,

Thank you so much for your comments on my blog...they afforded me the opportunity to discover yours and some of the most beautiful letters I have ever read. I have to admit, I really needed to read your letter tonight. Today was one of those "I can't believe I have to be a mom for the rest of my life" days, and I really needed to see the joy and beauty in this role. Thanks for that. Your daughter is gorgeous!

Blessings, Heidi

tara said...

:)